THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and my fellow Americans:

What a remarkably adverse year we’ve experienced since the last time I stood at this podium. I mean, I don't think I need to tell any of you that if I had the power to do so, I'd pretty much wipe 2005 off the books completely. (applause)

As I stand here, I'd like to tell you that our nation is at a monumental crossroads, and that we must proceed knowing that the decisions we make now will resonate throughout our lives and the lives of our children. (applause)

I'd like to tell you that, but I really can't for a couple of reasons:

The first reason is that it isn't true. The "crossroads" was probably around the time they stopped the Florida recount, or maybe when America “re”-elected me in 2004. The second reason is that I don't really ever talk like that. Instead of saying anything about "monumental crossroads" or "resonating decisions," I'd probably just say "We're in the Big Leagues now, America" and leave it at that, because I love baseball. (applause)

So, welcome to the Big Leagues, fellow citizens. America still stands, but it's more like standing at a precipice than a crossroads. I had this whole speech written for me tonight by a bunch of Ivy-League groupies in ties that I don't know the names of, but I thought I'd use this time to be more of a straight-shooter with my country, thought we could have a nice little pow-wow, man to nation. (applause) I know you were probably expecting to hear a speech on the economy, the war, terrorism--you know, the stuff I riff on every year up here. Well, I've got some things to say about that, but I wanted to get right to the heart of what the State of the Union really is here tonight. To the millions of parents watching this address on television with your kids, I'll pause for a moment and ask you to cover their ears for a little bit. (pause) I wanted to tell the adults in the audience as directly as possible about the current state of their country:

America is fucked.

No, really. F-U-C-K-E-D, like a wetback during a traffic stop in Brownsville. This country's going down the toilet in a shitbasket, and it's happening faster than a knife fight in a phone booth. That's the state of this union at this particular time, and I gotta tell you, it's not a whole lot of fun to be the leader of the free world right now. (pause) You can take your hands off your kids' ears, if you like.

Now, I know what everyone's probably thinking: that this is some kind of joke, or maybe I hit the bottle a few times before I came up here. (applause) I know that I ran for office on a reputation for being resolute, strong-willed, and sometimes even darn stubborn when it comes to being a leader. Well, that only goes so far for a man with my pedigree, and I'm up here to tell you that being pig-headed about everything is just a real convenient way to trick America into thinking that I know what I'm doing. That way, when every scientist in the country comes to the White House to tell me that teaching Intelligent Design in schools is wrong, I can use the same answer I use all the time: "Eff off, scientists. Stay the course." (applause) Then everyone assumes that I'm making the right decisions, because I'm the damn president, over here. (applause)

It used to be a lot of fun…running the country, going down to Crawford with the press and their cameras. I'd just take the truck and go move a bunch of sticks around, don't even really know what the hell for, and then any time one of the newspaper guys asked for a comment about one of my military commanders saying that we didn't have enough troops or body armor or the like, I'd just say, "Well, what we're trying to do in Iraq is stay the course, so Colonel Scaredy McQuitterson can just eff off." How's that for a comment? (applause)

Then there was John Kerry. Man, that flip-flop label was great, because flip-flopping is like the exact opposite of stayin' the course. Karl did a great job with that one. I mean, what better campaign promise can you make then "I'm gonna stay the course, and this pussy isn't gonna stay anything," unless it's "Elect me, and you won't get blown up." And now I ask, are any of you blown up right now? I say, "Good choice, America." (applause)

So yeah, I thought 2005 was gonna be a 365-day-long pig roast. I'll bet most of you who voted for me probably did, too. If things had gone as well as I thought they would go, I'd probably be talking to you about removing term limits rather than rebuilding an entire American city. (applause) After all, if you actually re-elected me after seeing me dick around with the military the way I have and calling it the "War on Terror" for four years, then who knows how long I could be up here? I kinda wanted to find out. (applause)

But this is all wishful thinking, really. I don't think I could even get elected to lead a weekly bridge night after this frigging Iraq fiasco, although I do like to say the words "faulty intelligence" when talking about it. It's almost like the truth, except for the fact that the only faulty intelligence was Wolfowitz's own dumb ass idea that Americans love going to war with Iraq, and if you don't have a real reason for going in the first place, you can just make one up out of thin air and nobody will really give a shit. (applause) To his credit, he was right about that until people started getting blown up and beheaded every day after I said that the war was basically over. (applause)

I guess if I learned one thing from 2005, it's that our Mission -- whatever the hell it might be -- isn't really "accomplished" in any sense of the word. I don't know if we made the banner too small for that ceremony or what, but most of the folks in Iraq who we were fighting against just didn't agree, or else they couldn't read the damn thing. Either way, whatever we did accomplish got pretty de-accomplished in '05, whether you're talking about kidnappings or poverty or problems jump-starting an economy that we bombed all to shit. That country's a goddamned mess, and we definitely killed a lot of innocent people over there for reasons that I can't really put my finger on, but if you think Iraq has problems, then maybe we should talk about how many boners I pulled last year right here in River City. (applause) Thank you. (applause)

For most of the last couple of years, the Valerie Plame thing was a big pain in my ass. I mean, we all knew it would go the way it has, we just needed things to come out after the election. I can't comment too much on the ongoing proceedings, but I will tell you that I'm happy that Scooter will have his day in court. (applause) I mean, he fucked everything up good and plenty, and I don't really want anyone with a name like that working in my government, but he means well. I'll probably pardon him at the last minute just because I can't really look much worse than I already do, so just be prepared for that. (applause)

Speaking of which, a lot of people have asked me privately how the hell Karl Rove isn't sharing a prison cell with a huge black man named Bonnie by now, and my only answer to you is "I haven't the foggiest clue of a hint of an idea." (applause) Karl's one slippery mofo, I can tell you that much. Good thing for me, too, seeing as how good he is at making coffee. You ever had Dan Bartlett's coffee? Blech. (laughter and applause)

Then there was Hurricane Katrina, the worst national disaster that we've ever seen. A lot of you cheeky media hacks said some real mean things, like it was my fault that the hurricane happened in the first place. Before I go on, please understand that it was a goddamned HURRICANE, for Christ's sake! You want me to declare a "War on Weather" now, too? (applause) I actually briefly considered that, until a junior staffer said the idea was "retarded." Then I pretended that it was a joke. (applause)

Anyhow, I know that FEMA messed up, and I know that it probably cost a lot of American lives and all that, and I know that I appointed a foppish Arabian horse fetishist to the head of that agency, but the thing is, last time I checked, all the Gulf States voted for me, big time. (applause) I won Louisiana by more than 14 points, and now everyone’s bitching about my handling of a damn hurricane. Well, suck it Louisiana! (applause) I’m in charge, and if you don’t like the way I’m running things, then I guess you’d better vote me out of office next time around! (applause)

So a lot of you have said that the slow Katrina response had something to do with me hating poor people. Come on, now. I don’t hate poor people, I’ve just never actually met one outside of photo opportunities, and then it’s usually a pretty short conversation, and all I do is say “God Bless you, and good luck” or some shit, and I don’t really hear if they say anything back to me. So I think it is simply ludicrous to say, for instance, when I heard that a huge hurricane was about to hit New Orleans, that I said “Awesome! Those goddamn welfare leeches are finally gonna get theirs!” (applause) On the contrary, my first thought was about how the streets in the French Quarter could probably use a good soak anyhow. (applause) I know a pretty large number of Americans, including yours truly, have gone and booted on the streets out there once or twice.(applause) That’s freedom. (applause)

So I was shocked and outraged, just like you, when I saw the footage of people in New Orleans walking around without any shoes on. Did you see this? There were jagged edges and rusty metal sharp things just crawling with tetanus, and I’m not sure how clean that water was, either, but I’m watching these people on television walking around without shoes or even socks! I was horrified, and I got on the phone immediately, told the pilots to fuel up Air Force One and fill that sonofabitch up with shoes! (applause) They were gonna do it, but then Laura called me and started screaming about how the secret service was rummaging through her closet for shoes, and I had to call the whole thing off. Anyhow, I tried to do something. (applause) Don’t try and tell me about poor people. (applause)

I know that New Orleans was devastated, and I know I stood there and said we would rebuild the city. (applause) Let me tell you something if you don’t already know it: I don’t really have any idea what the hell’s going on down there, but I said what I was supposed to say. What would people think if I went down there and just said, “Residents and business owners of New Orleans, your city is messed up. It’s time to give up on this place and pack it in, don’t you think? I hereby declare New Orleans a federally protected Ghost Town. Now go get your shit and get the fuck out of dodge!” (applause)

No, I said we’d rebuild it, and by “we” I meant a private company that probably works for Dick Cheney in some indirect way. (applause) Also, by “rebuild” I meant, “make a few areas look nice for my next visit ahead of the midterm elections.” (applause) I mean, I’m sure someone wants to strengthen those levees, and that’s just fine, because nothing turns me off more than seeing a bunch of whores trying to sell themselves standing in two feet of smelly water, that’s for sure. (applause)

My administration has also taken a lot of heat about health care reform. I know that my drug plan for seniors went over about as well as a fart in church, but I really had almost nothing to do with it. (applause) I basically fell asleep when the congressmen were trying to explain it to me, and when all was said and done, I asked them if the drug companies would be sending me a Christmas card if the law was passed. They said yes, and so I signed the shit out of it. (applause) We thought it might get complicated, but that’s fine because what we’re hoping to do here is to make the health care system so bad in this country that people realize they’d better get into shape if they don’t want to die waiting in line at the pharmacy when they’re sixty. (applause)

America, I love you, and it’s hard to say this, but you’re getting really fat. (applause) I love eating fatty foods as much as you do; I’m a barbecue man, myself, but something’s gotta change. (applause) It must be hard to hear this, but your asses are getting harder to look at every time I go outside. (applause) As you get older, let me tell you, it’s not that hard to jog a few times a week. I try to jog whenever I can, and sometimes in the morning I’ll jog from the residence to the Oval Office while listening to “Eye of the Tiger” just to fuck with the Secret Service a little. Here’s a little advice: on those mornings that you just want to sleep in instead of doing your daily run, think of your poor Vice President, Dick Cheney. The man can barely stand up for ten minutes at a time anymore, what with the gout and all the heart problems. (applause) I mean, he’s from Wyoming, and they certainly know how to kill themselves with food, but a few laps around the servant's quarters might have made a big difference a few years back, Mr. Vice President. (applause)

Finally, I wanted to say a couple of words about this “Domestic Spying” program that everyone’s got themselves in a damn snit about. If it isn’t obvious to you why I didn’t get warrants to spy on whoever I wanted, then I guess you haven’t been paying attention to the way this government has worked for the last 100 years. (applause) One thing I learned from my father is that, no matter who they are, all presidents have secrets. They’re supposed to have secrets. (applause) What the hell is the point of being in the Oval Office every day if you don’t know something that nobody else is supposed to know? (applause) It’s actually pretty fun, I’ll tell you what. The problem is, newspapers don’t like secrets, and they like to tell on you, like when your brother sees you smoking behind the house when you’re a kid and he decides to go and be a snitch about it. (applause) Thanks for that Jeb, you dick. (laughter)

I guess it’s hard for people to understand how Bill Clinton got impeached--he actually almost got removed from office, ladies and gents--for lying about a blowjob, and I’m up here talking to you even though I’ve lied every time someone’s asked me a question about anything. Some might blame the Republican-controlled congress, but I’d like to think that it’s my moxie. (applause) What I mean is just that if you have the stones to lie about everything, then it starts to get so overwhelming to people that they just can’t handle it. It’s like, if you think that I lied about one thing, like who was actually running the country on September the 11th, then because it’s such a big lie then I must have lied about everything else, and I wouldn’t ever do that, would I? (applause) I mean, the President of the United States couldn’t have lied about everything that ever happened! And that’s where it gets you thinking I might be telling the truth, because you think I have emotions, or a conscience, just like you. (applause)

All of this is just to say that, like I said before, The State of the Union is that America’s in some pretty serious shit. (applause) There are scary times ahead for our great nation, but I’m not personally worried that much, because I’ve got a pretty serious security detail and the whole goddamn military that I can use to protect the White House when tyranny comes a-knockin’.(applause) Still, most of you need to prepare yourself for another few years of stuff getting totally FUBARed and me trying to sell off our country’s government to the rich and evil folks that I grew up with, and probably a lot of years after that where stuff will be hard to fix, if you can fix it at all. (applause) Remember when the Supreme Court put me here, and a bunch of you were like, “How bad can he screw things up in four, even eight years? It’s a big country.” (applause) Well, I think I’ve answered that question pretty thoroughly. If you didn’t hear, the answer is: “A shitload, that’s how bad.” (applause)

In conclusion, I’d just like to point out that most people will blame me for what has transpired on my watch. Ten years from now, when the only way a poor American teenage girl can get an abortion is to piss off her abusive father real bad, and when the country is flat broke because I appointed one of my poker buddies to the Federal Reserve, and when thousands more of our fellow citizens have perished because the NSA was too busy listening to Ted Kennedy having phone sex when they could have prevented another terrorist attack, history may actually judge my presidency as a failure. (applause) To those judges and to all Americans, I say this:

“What the fuck did you think was going to happen?” (applause)

You elected me at least once, and if you didn’t think that this was how things were going to go, then that’s your fault, not mine. (applause) I could barely complete a sentence during the debates with Al Gore, and almost half of you still thought I could run the most powerful country in the world? How can you even look at yourselves in the mirror in the morning? (applause) How about this: every time you look into the past and say, “W. should have done this,” or “Our president did everything wrong,” try to realize that I did just what everyone knew I would do, and remember that the real idiots in this country are the ones who voted for me in the first place. (applause) Never forget that the responsibility for all these scandals, tragedies and fuckups rests firmly where it always has: on the shoulders of the majority of the American people. (applause)

God bless you, and may God help save the United States of America. (applause)